Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

QUOTATIONS

QUOTATIONS 







All real Americans love the sting of battle. 
-PATTON



Greed is good. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit.
---OLIVER STONE



Of course I'm happy. That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. 
---Bob Dylan

It has served us well, this myth of Christ
---Pope Leo x (Giovanni de' Medici)

Surely you can't be serious. 
I am serious... and don't call me Shirley
---AIRPLANE

I must pause for one fast second and say a fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said "No". 
---Woody Allen





Nearly every man who develops an idea works it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then he gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged. But keep your day job. 
---Thomas A. Edison 



If an unfriendly power had attempted to impose on America the mediocre educational performance that exists today, we might well have viewed it as an act of war.
— "A Nation at Risk" (1983) 





Never marry a man who has no friends. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends.
---Father Pat Connor



In the second year of the great civil war, when the Irish brigades marched through the streets, New york was a city full of tribes. War chiefs, rich and poor. It wasn't a city really, It was more a furnace where cities someday might be forged. 
---GANGS OF NEW YORK


For conservatives, seeing is believing; for liberals, believing is seeing.
---George F. Will




Crack that whip
Give the past the slip
-DEVO





Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind. Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works.


Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind.
---WALLSTREET

And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. 
From the Oliver Stone film Wall Street 1980
Read by Michael Douglas


Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. You not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. 
---C. S. Lewis Grief 



Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear. 
---Thomas Jefferson

... These guys are proud of what they did. They did Dealey Plaza! They took out the President of the United States! That's entertainment! 

FERRIE Oh man, why don't you stop. This is too fuckin' big for you! Who did Kennedy? It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma. Even the shooters don't fuckin' know! Don't you get it yet? I can't be talking like this. They're gonna kill me. I'm gonna die! (he sits down, cracking, sobbing) I don't know what happened. All I wanted in the world was to be a Catholic priest - live in a monastery, study ancient Latin manuscripts, pray, serve God. But I had this one terrible, fatal weakness. They defrocked me. And then I started to lose everything. 
---JFK

JIM GARRISON ... some story ... the whole thing. It's like it never happened.
DONALD SOUTHERN It never did.

---JFK




Kilgore (Robert Duval) stands there, hands on hips, looking at the burning jungle in the distance.

KILGORE
You smell that? Do you smell that?

LANCE
What?

KILGORE
(pointing to trees)
Napalm, son. Nothing else in the 
world smells like that.
(crouches down)
I love the smell of napalm in the 
morning. You know, one time we 
had a hill bombed for twelve 
hours...and when it was all over, 
I walked up. We didn't find one 
of them, not one stinking dink 
body. The smell, you know that 
gasoline smell? The whole hill-
smelled like-victory.

He looks of nostalgically. A shell comes in and HITS in the background. Willard and the soldiers react; Kilgore ignores it.

KILGORE
Someday this war's gonna end.

---APOCALYPSE NOW

It is a matter of life and death, a road either
to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry
which can on no account be neglected.
---SUN TZU, ON THE ART OF WAR



This strange disease of modern life, with its sick hurry, its divided aims. 
---Matthew Arnold


For at least another hundred years we must pretend to ourselves and to every one that fair is foul and foul is fair; for foul is useful and fair is not. Avarice and usury and precaution must be our gods for a little longer still. 
---John Maynard Keynes 





A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. 
---H. L. Mencken 


EISENHOWER
The conjunction of an immense military
establishment and a large arms industry is new
in the American experience. The total influence
- economic, political, even spiritual - is felt
in every city, every statehouse, every office of
the Federal Government ... In the councils of
government we must guard against the acquisition
of unwarranted influence, whether sought or
unsought, by the military industrial complex.
The potential for the disastrous rise of
misplaced power exists and will persist ... We
must never let the weight of this combination
endanger our liberties or democratic processes.
We should take nothing for granted ...

Badges? We ain't got no badges.
We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges. 


But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? 
---GOODFELLAS


Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country 

My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse.. .
Luca Brasi held a gun to his head, and my father assured him, 
that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract. 


Butch: What're you looking at, friend? 
Vincent: I ain't your friend, palooka. 
Butch: What did you say? 
Vincent: I think you heard me just fine, punchy.

What we got here is failure to communicate
--COOL HAND LUKE


I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.
---ARTHUR 

Butch: What're you looking at, friend? 
Vincent: I ain't your friend, palooka. 
Butch: What did you say? 
Vincent: I think you heard me just fine punchy.
---PULP FICTION


Badges? We ain't got no badges.
We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges. 
---THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE 1948

It's his ship now, his command. He's in charge, the boss, the head man, top dog, big cheese, head honcho, number one
---AIRPLANE

The spider spinning his web for the unwary fly. 
The blood is the life, Mr. Renfield
---DRACULA 1931

But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?
---GOODFELLAS 

It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daughter... 's wedding... on the day of your daughter's wedding. And I hope their first child will be a masculine child.

Someday, and that day may never come, 
I'll call upon you to do a service for me. 

Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country 

My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse.. .
Luca Brasi held a gun to his head, and my father assured him, 
that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract. 
I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had. 

---THE GODFATHER 




Paternalism is the restriction of freedom for the good of the person restricted. 
---George F will


Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.
Men, all this stuff you've heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle.
---PATTON (GEORGE C. SCOTT)


Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast
---PULP FICTION 


The world is full of complainers. 
But the fact is, nothing comes with 
a guarantee. I don't care if you're 
the Pope of Rome, President of the 
United States, or even Man of the 
Year--something can always go wrong. 
And go ahead, complain, tell your 
problems to your neighbor, ask for 
help--watch him fly. Now in Russia, 
they got it mapped out so that 
everyone pulls for everyone else--
that's the theory, anyway. But what 
I know about is Texas..and down here
you're on your own. 

---BLOOD SIMPLE

There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth. 
----THE SOPRANOS 

I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

---SCARFACE



"You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God.." 

---DEVIL'S ADVOCATE



you can't find your waitress with a Geiger counter
---TOM WAITS

ELECTIONS SINCE 1968

in 1968 MEDICARE GETS PASSED. IN 1968, THE DEMOCRATS BEGIN A SERIES OF LOSING SEVEN OF THE NEXT TEN ELECTIONS. ---GEORGE WILL

SPACE PHOTOS

IMAGES

INEQUALITY AND OTHER UNSERIOUS BULLSHIT

Without believing in yourself, you're going nowhere, and you won't believe in yourself if somebody beats the individual out of you. If somebody convinces you that you don't deserve to do better than anybody else because that's not fair, and they are teaching you that in school about your grades and they're teaching you that about economics. It's not fair that you might have a nicer car than the schlub down the street. It's not fair. It's humiliating to the people who have less. So they're trying to beat the individual out of you, and the individual in you, the belief in yourself is the only thing you've got to compete against everybody that's trying to hold you back, and they all are. It's the way of the world. You look at things from afar, you look at pop culture, you look at movie stars, and you think that's a community, and they all decided one day, they all decided that Cameron Diaz is great and they all got together and they all loved Cameron Diaz and they've all made her a big star.


THAT'S BULLSHIT. NOBODY IS trying to beat the individual out of you. HE SAYS THAT BECAUSE HE HIS TRYING TO TURN THE NATURAL POLITICS OF ENVY INTO SOME KIND OF UNNATURAL TOTALITARIANISM.


THAT'S THE KEY. I'VE ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THIS, AND WONDERED WHY IT ISN'T WRITTEN IN STONE. AND IT IS.



No two people are the same. Everybody has a different IQ. Everybody has different intelligence. Everybody has a different metabolism. Everybody has a different hairline.Everybody's got different level of ambition, desire. Everybody's got something. No two people are the same. And it's not fair.


RUSH GOT IT. HE SAID IT. IT'S NOT FAIR. KENNEDY SAID THE SAME THING. LIFE IS UNFAIR. BUT THAT IS THE ROOT OF SOCIALISM. TO MAKE THINGS MORE FAIR. BUT NOBODY WANTS TO GIVE UP ANY REAL DEGREE OF THEIR LIFE STYLE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I JUST DIFFER FROM RUSH BECAUSE I THINK IT'S A KIND BELIEF. BUT I KNOW, HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN, KINDNESS DOES NOTHING. IT'S NOT THAT GOOD GUYS DON'T WIN BALL GAMES. BUT THAT KINDNESS IS NEUTRAL. TOUGHNESS AND TALENT WINS BALLGAMES. KINDNESS DOESN'T HELP OR HURT. I'M SURE RUSH UNDERSTANDS AND BELIEVES THIS. EVERYONE DOES.


Some people are smarter than others; some people are more creative than others. Some people could walk down the street and just have people throw money at them.



Cameron Diaz is like everybody else, she had to fight for everything she has,


EXCEPT THAT SHE IS GORGEOUS. SHE IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT COULD WALK DOWN THE STREET AND JUST HAVE PEOLE THROW MONEY AT THEM. THAT'S DIFFERENT FROM HAVING TO FIGHT FOR EVERYTHING SHE HAS.

I KNOW. IT DOESN'T MATTER, BUT YOU CAN SEE THE IMPULSE TO REDUCE THE HUMILIATION AT WORKING AS HARD AS ANYONE AND GETTING NOTHING MORE THAN SURVIVAL AND WORRY.

Some people are smarter than others; some people are more creative than others. Some people could walk down the street and just have people throw money at them.You take a look around you, the genuinely successful people that you see who you want to be did not check their individualism at the door when they started their work. They didn't check their self-interests at the door, and they didn't check their self-respect, and they didn't turn over the belief in themselves to somebody else.


NOBODY CHECKS SELF INTEREST AT THE DOOR. THE DIATRIBE FAILS AGAIN AND AGAIN. OF COURSE WHAT HE IS REALLY SAYING IS, HEY LOOK, I'M BETTER THAN YOU, THAT'S WHY I'M RICH AND FAMOUS. It's not fair. It's humiliating to the people who have less. BUT THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT. MAN UP AND RANGER ON. WHICH IS OF COURSE WHAT WE DO.

BUT I SURE LIKED THE NEW DEAL. JOB SECURITY. SOCIALISM, A GUARANTEED ANNUAL WAGE. LIFETIME UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE FOR THE SHLUB WITH THE CRUMMY CAR. OR THE BUS PASS. OR THE WHEEL CHAIR.

RUSH IS JUST AS NICE A GUY AS THE NEXT MAN.

EXACTLY. AND RUSH DOESN'T CARE AT ALL AND NEITHER DO I. NOBODY CAN. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE THAT IS MORE HUMILIATED THAN I AM. I JUST RESENT MY BETTERS. RUSH DOESN'T QUITE COME TO TERMS WITH THIS. HE CAN SAY IT'S NOT FAIR. HE CAN SAY IT'S HUMILIATING TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LESS. BUT HE CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO RECOGNIZE HOW TRULY HUMILILATED PEOPLE FEEL. HOW PEOPLE WHO TRIED THEIR BEST AND CAME OUT AS SECOND RATERS FEEL. HOW THEIR RESENTMENT WON'T GO AWAY.


HE KEEPS HOPING THE PROBLEM WILL GO AWAY IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST LLIE TO THEMSELVES AND BELIEVE, FOR EXAMPLE THAT CAMERON DIAZ OR BILL GATES OR BARACK OBAMA "IS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, THEY HAD TO FIGHT FOR EVERYTHING THEY HAVE.








and they're nipping at her heels now as she gets older, same thing with Julia Roberts, it doesn't change, no matter where you are, no matter what kind of glamour. You take a look around you, the genuinely successful people that you see who you want to be did not check their individualism at the door when they started their work. They didn't check their self-interests at the door, and they didn't check their self-respect, and they didn't turn over the belief in themselves to somebody else. That's all I'm talking about and that's under assault by this administration, which wants to control and limit freedom, 'cause the only way Obama can get the power he wants and the Democrats can get the power they want is if you willingly turn it over to them, by getting rid of your self-interest, your self-respect and holding your best interests at heart. Your best interests do not coincide with your government's, especially now.


And Reagan looked at them and said, "You know, you're right about that. We had to invent these for you to use them. We had to invent them for you." Take your favorite actor or actress, take your favorite television personality and ask yourselves what government, what protective agency got them their job, or was it rugged individualism? Or sleeping on the couch or whatever they had to do, but they did it. They also get $20 million a movie because they put people in the theater seats. Whether the movie's any good or not, people go, except Tom Cruise is in trouble right now. Well, Valkyrie just wasn't quite it. But the point here, ladies and gentlemen, is that anything that beats you down, anything that says to you that you're no more than anybody else, that you're no better, no different, no worse, that you're the same as anybody else, is lying to you, and they're seeking to control you. They're seeking to limit your own ability and your own desire, because we're not the same. The whole premise of equality, it's a great thing to strive for, like equality before the law, equality in job opportunity and so forth. But there are no two things that are equal, certainly not outcomes. Other than identical twins, no two human beings look exactly alike.
Do you realize that as many human beings as will be created in the history of the earth, no two of them will look alike. It's not possible, other than the rare cases of identical twins. But even those people are not the same. They have the same shell, the same look, but they're not the same inside.








Other people can toil their whole lives and never make more than minimum wage. Why? Who knows. But it is our contention that the people who never make more than minimum wage can do far better if they're just invested in themselves, not in a government, not in a president, not a Congress, not a program. How many people in those people's lives tell 'em that they're special, versus how many of them tell them, "You don't have a chance. You don't have a prayer. This country's racist. It's homophobic; it's bigoted. You don't have a chance. You need to vote for us." Even I, ladies and gentlemen, you listen to me, and you see whatever you see, but you see me as successful, it may make you mad, may make you furious, but nevertheless you see me successful. But you don't know the 35, 37 years that I've spent in this business since I was 16 (minus five that I worked for the Kansas City Royals baseball team) you don't know the seven times I got fired, and you don't know how many people in this business told me to quit and told me to give it up, that it's not a fair business, even if you're good, there are too many idiots above you, too many jealous people above you that don't want you to get anywhere because you're better than them. Hey? Hello? That's the world. There are a lot of professors who don't want you to be smarter than they are. There are a lot of people working at banks who are tellers that probably could be at the investment side but somebody is threatened by them. Everybody's trying to hold everybody back.

It's just human nature, and it's only the belief in yourself that propels you through all those things, and yourself is the individual. I got fired seven times. One time was it probably justified. The other times due to vagaries of the broadcast business, but each time I got fired the person that fired me said, "You know, you really don't have what it takes to succeed here. If you want to stay in this business you need to go into sales or something else. You really don't have that much talent," and I'm saying to myself, "How would you know? You've never let me exhibit it. You and your brilliant management have come up with ways that I could only say this here or that there, and I can only take that much time. How do you know what my talent is? And when was the last time you cared to really find out what my talent is?"

Without believing in yourself, you're going nowhere, and you won't believe in yourself if somebody beats the individual out of you. If somebody convinces you that you don't deserve to do better than anybody else because that's not fair, and they are teaching you that in school about your grades and they're teaching you that about economics.


It's not fair that you might have a nicer car than the schlub down the street. It's not fair. It's humiliating to the people who have less.


So they're trying to beat the individual out of you, and the individual in you, the belief in yourself is the only thing you've got to compete against everybody that's trying to hold you back, and they all are. It's the way of the world. You look at things from afar, you look at pop culture, you look at movie stars, and you think that's a community, and they all decided one day, they all decided that Cameron Diaz is great and they all got together and they all loved Cameron Diaz and they've all made her a big star.

That's the image they project because they want you to think it's all a giant community.

NEWSWEEK ON RELIGION

Opponents of gay marriage often cite Scripture. But what the Bible teaches about love argues for the other side.
Lisa Miller
NEWSWEEK
From the magazine issue dated Dec 15, 2008

For feedback on this story, head to NEWSWEEK's Readback blog.

Let's try for a minute to take the religious conservatives at their word and define marriage as the Bible does. Shall we look to Abraham, the great patriarch, who slept with his servant when he discovered his beloved wife Sarah was infertile? Or to Jacob, who fathered children with four different women (two sisters and their servants)? Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon and the kings of Judah and Israel—all these fathers and heroes were polygamists. The New Testament model of marriage is hardly better. Jesus himself was single and preached an indifference to earthly attachments—especially family. The apostle Paul (also single) regarded marriage as an act of last resort for those unable to contain their animal lust. "It is better to marry than to burn with passion," says the apostle, in one of the most lukewarm endorsements of a treasured institution ever uttered. Would any contemporary heterosexual married couple—who likely woke up on their wedding day harboring some optimistic and newfangled ideas about gender equality and romantic love—turn to the Bible as a how-to script?

Of course not, yet the religious opponents of gay marriage would have it be so.

The battle over gay marriage has been waged for more than a decade, but within the last six months—since California legalized gay marriage and then, with a ballot initiative in November, amended its Constitution to prohibit it—the debate has grown into a full-scale war, with religious-rhetoric slinging to match. Not since 1860, when the country's pulpits were full of preachers pronouncing on slavery, pro and con, has one of our basic social (and economic) institutions been so subject to biblical scrutiny. But whereas in the Civil War the traditionalists had their James Henley Thornwell—and the advocates for change, their Henry Ward Beecher—this time the sides are unevenly matched. All the religious rhetoric, it seems, has been on the side of the gay-marriage opponents, who use Scripture as the foundation for their objections.

The argument goes something like this statement, which the Rev. Richard A. Hunter, a United Methodist minister, gave to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution in June: "The Bible and Jesus define marriage as between one man and one woman. The church cannot condone or bless same-sex marriages because this stands in opposition to Scripture and our tradition."

To which there are two obvious responses: First, while the Bible and Jesus say many important things about love and family, neither explicitly defines marriage as between one man and one woman. And second, as the examples above illustrate, no sensible modern person wants marriage—theirs or anyone else's —to look in its particulars anything like what the Bible describes. "Marriage" in America refers to two separate things, a religious institution and a civil one, though it is most often enacted as a messy conflation of the two. As a civil institution, marriage offers practical benefits to both partners: contractual rights having to do with taxes; insurance; the care and custody of children; visitation rights; and inheritance. As a religious institution, marriage offers something else: a commitment of both partners before God to love, honor and cherish each other—in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer—in accordance with God's will. In a religious marriage, two people promise to take care of each other, profoundly, the way they believe God cares for them. Biblical literalists will disagree, but the Bible is a living document, powerful for more than 2,000 years because its truths speak to us even as we change through history. In that light, Scripture gives us no good reason why gays and lesbians should not be (civilly and religiously) married—and a number of excellent reasons why they should.

In the Old Testament, the concept of family is fundamental, but examples of what social conservatives would call "the traditional family" are scarcely to be found. Marriage was critical to the passing along of tradition and history, as well as to maintaining the Jews' precious and fragile monotheism. But as the Barnard University Bible scholar Alan Segal puts it, the arrangement was between "one man and as many women as he could pay for." Social conservatives point to Adam and Eve as evidence for their one man, one woman argument—in particular, this verse from Genesis: "Therefore shall a man leave his mother and father, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh." But as Segal says, if you believe that the Bible was written by men and not handed down in its leather bindings by God, then that verse was written by people for whom polygamy was the way of the world. (The fact that homosexual couples cannot procreate has also been raised as a biblical objection, for didn't God say, "Be fruitful and multiply"? But the Bible authors could never have imagined the brave new world of international adoption and assisted reproductive technology—and besides, heterosexuals who are infertile or past the age of reproducing get married all the time.)

Ozzie and Harriet are nowhere in the New Testament either. The biblical Jesus was—in spite of recent efforts of novelists to paint him otherwise—emphatically unmarried. He preached a radical kind of family, a caring community of believers, whose bond in God superseded all blood ties. Leave your families and follow me, Jesus says in the gospels. There will be no marriage in heaven, he says in Matthew. Jesus never mentions homosexuality, but he roundly condemns divorce (leaving a loophole in some cases for the husbands of unfaithful women).

The apostle Paul echoed the Christian Lord's lack of interest in matters of the flesh. For him, celibacy was the Christian ideal, but family stability was the best alternative. Marry if you must, he told his audiences, but do not get divorced. "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): a wife must not separate from her husband." It probably goes without saying that the phrase "gay marriage" does not appear in the Bible at all.

If the bible doesn't give abundant examples of traditional marriage, then what are the gay-marriage opponents really exercised about? Well, homosexuality, of course—specifically sex between men. Sex between women has never, even in biblical times, raised as much ire. In its entry on "Homosexual Practices," the Anchor Bible Dictionary notes that nowhere in the Bible do its authors refer to sex between women, "possibly because it did not result in true physical 'union' (by male entry)." The Bible does condemn gay male sex in a handful of passages. Twice Leviticus refers to sex between men as "an abomination" (King James version), but these are throwaway lines in a peculiar text given over to codes for living in the ancient Jewish world, a text that devotes verse after verse to treatments for leprosy, cleanliness rituals for menstruating women and the correct way to sacrifice a goat—or a lamb or a turtle dove. Most of us no longer heed Leviticus on haircuts or blood sacrifices; our modern understanding of the world has surpassed its prescriptions. Why would we regard its condemnation of homosexuality with more seriousness than we regard its advice, which is far lengthier, on the best price to pay for a slave?

Paul was tough on homosexuality, though recently progressive scholars have argued that his condemnation of men who "were inflamed with lust for one another" (which he calls "a perversion") is really a critique of the worst kind of wickedness: self-delusion, violence, promiscuity and debauchery. In his book "The Arrogance of Nations," the scholar Neil Elliott argues that Paul is referring in this famous passage to the depravity of the Roman emperors, the craven habits of Nero and Caligula, a reference his audience would have grasped instantly. "Paul is not talking about what we call homosexuality at all," Elliott says. "He's talking about a certain group of people who have done everything in this list. We're not dealing with anything like gay love or gay marriage. We're talking about really, really violent people who meet their end and are judged by God." In any case, one might add, Paul argued more strenuously against divorce—and at least half of the Christians in America disregard that teaching.

Religious objections to gay marriage are rooted not in the Bible at all, then, but in custom and tradition (and, to talk turkey for a minute, a personal discomfort with gay sex that transcends theological argument). Common prayers and rituals reflect our common practice: the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer describes the participants in a marriage as "the man and the woman." But common practice changes—and for the better, as the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "The arc of history is long, but it bends toward justice." The Bible endorses slavery, a practice that Americans now universally consider shameful and barbaric. It recommends the death penalty for adulterers (and in Leviticus, for men who have sex with men, for that matter). It provides conceptual shelter for anti-Semites. A mature view of scriptural authority requires us, as we have in the past, to move beyond literalism. The Bible was written for a world so unlike our own, it's impossible to apply its rules, at face value, to ours.

Marriage, specifically, has evolved so as to be unrecognizable to the wives of Abraham and Jacob. Monogamy became the norm in the Christian world in the sixth century; husbands' frequent enjoyment of mistresses and prostitutes became taboo by the beginning of the 20th. (In the NEWSWEEK POLL, 55 percent of respondents said that married heterosexuals who have sex with someone other than their spouses are more morally objectionable than a gay couple in a committed sexual relationship.) By the mid-19th century, U.S. courts were siding with wives who were the victims of domestic violence, and by the 1970s most states had gotten rid of their "head and master" laws, which gave husbands the right to decide where a family would live and whether a wife would be able to take a job. Today's vision of marriage as a union of equal partners, joined in a relationship both romantic and pragmatic, is, by very recent standards, radical, says Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage, a History."

Religious wedding ceremonies have already changed to reflect new conceptions of marriage. Remember when we used to say "man and wife" instead of "husband and wife"? Remember when we stopped using the word "obey"? Even Miss Manners, the voice of tradition and reason, approved in 1997 of that change. "It seems," she wrote, "that dropping 'obey' was a sensible editing of a service that made assumptions about marriage that the society no longer holds."

We cannot look to the Bible as a marriage manual, but we can read it for universal truths as we struggle toward a more just future. The Bible offers inspiration and warning on the subjects of love, marriage, family and community. It speaks eloquently of the crucial role of families in a fair society and the risks we incur to ourselves and our children should we cease trying to bind ourselves together in loving pairs. Gay men like to point to the story of passionate King David and his friend Jonathan, with whom he was "one spirit" and whom he "loved as he loved himself." Conservatives say this is a story about a platonic friendship, but it is also a story about two men who stand up for each other in turbulent times, through violent war and the disapproval of a powerful parent. David rends his clothes at Jonathan's death and, in grieving, writes a song:

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
You were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
More wonderful than that of women.

Here, the Bible praises enduring love between men. What Jonathan and David did or did not do in privacy is perhaps best left to history and our own imaginations.

In addition to its praise of friendship and its condemnation of divorce, the Bible gives many examples of marriages that defy convention yet benefit the greater community. The Torah discouraged the ancient Hebrews from marrying outside the tribe, yet Moses himself is married to a foreigner, Zipporah. Queen Esther is married to a non-Jew and, according to legend, saves the Jewish people. Rabbi Arthur Waskow, of the Shalom Center in Philadelphia, believes that Judaism thrives through diversity and inclusion. "I don't think Judaism should or ought to want to leave any portion of the human population outside the religious process," he says. "We should not want to leave [homosexuals] outside the sacred tent." The marriage of Joseph and Mary is also unorthodox (to say the least), a case of an unconventional arrangement accepted by society for the common good. The boy needed two human parents, after all.

In the Christian story, the message of acceptance for all is codified. Jesus reaches out to everyone, especially those on the margins, and brings the whole Christian community into his embrace. The Rev. James Martin, a Jesuit priest and author, cites the story of Jesus revealing himself to the woman at the well— no matter that she had five former husbands and a current boyfriend—as evidence of Christ's all-encompassing love. The great Bible scholar Walter Brueggemann, emeritus professor at Columbia Theological Seminary, quotes the apostle Paul when he looks for biblical support of gay marriage: "There is neither Greek nor Jew, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Jesus Christ." The religious argument for gay marriage, he adds, "is not generally made with reference to particular texts, but with the general conviction that the Bible is bent toward inclusiveness."

The practice of inclusion, even in defiance of social convention, the reaching out to outcasts, the emphasis on togetherness and community over and against chaos, depravity, indifference—all these biblical values argue for gay marriage. If one is for racial equality and the common nature of humanity, then the values of stability, monogamy and family necessarily follow. Terry Davis is the pastor of First Presbyterian Church in Hartford, Conn., and has been presiding over "holy unions" since 1992. "I'm against promiscuity—love ought to be expressed in committed relationships, not through casual sex, and I think the church should recognize the validity of committed same-sex relationships," he says.

Still, very few Jewish or Christian denominations do officially endorse gay marriage, even in the states where it is legal. The practice varies by region, by church or synagogue, even by cleric. More progressive denominations—the United Church of Christ, for example—have agreed to support gay marriage. Other denominations and dioceses will do "holy union" or "blessing" ceremonies, but shy away from the word "marriage" because it is politically explosive. So the frustrating, semantic question remains: should gay people be married in the same, sacramental sense that straight people are? I would argue that they should. If we are all God's children, made in his likeness and image, then to deny access to any sacrament based on sexuality is exactly the same thing as denying it based on skin color—and no serious (or even semiserious) person would argue that. People get married "for their mutual joy," explains the Rev. Chloe Breyer, executive director of the Interfaith Center in New York, quoting the Episcopal marriage ceremony. That's what religious people do: care for each other in spite of difficulty, she adds. In marriage, couples grow closer to God: "Being with one another in community is how you love God. That's what marriage is about."

More basic than theology, though, is human need. We want, as Abraham did, to grow old surrounded by friends and family and to be buried at last peacefully among them. We want, as Jesus taught, to love one another for our own good—and, not to be too grandiose about it, for the good of the world. We want our children to grow up in stable homes. What happens in the bedroom, really, has nothing to do with any of this. My friend the priest James Martin says his favorite Scripture relating to the question of homosexuality is Psalm 139, a song that praises the beauty and imperfection in all of us and that glorifies God's knowledge of our most secret selves: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." And then he adds that in his heart he believes that if Jesus were alive today, he would reach out especially to the gays and lesbians among us, for "Jesus does not want people to be lonely and sad." Let the priest's prayer be our own.

Due to the high volume of traffic, we have had to temporarily suspend the comments function on this story. We regret the inconvenience, and will have it restored as soon as possible. Thank you for reading. To read feedback, head to NEWSWEEK's Readback blog

With Sarah Ball and Anne Underwood

GENGHIS KHAN EXCERPT

EXCERPT
Chapter One


THE WIND HAD FALLEN on the high ridge. Dark clouds drifted above, making bands of shadow march across the earth. The morning was quiet and the land seemed empty as the two men rode at the head of a narrow column, a jagun of a hundred young warriors. The Mongols could have been alone for a thousand miles, with just creaking leather and snorting ponies to break the stillness. When they halted to listen, it was as if silence rolled back in over the dusty ground.

Tsubodai was a general to the Great Khan, and it showed in the way he held himself. His armor of iron scales over leather was well worn, with holes and rust in many places. His helmet was marked where it had saved his life more than once. All his equipment was battered, but the man himself remained as hard and unforgiving as the winter earth. In three years of raiding the north, he had lost only one minor skirmish and returned the following day to destroy the tribe before word could spread. He had mastered his trade in a land that seemed to grow colder with each mile into the wastes. He had no maps for his journey, just rumors of distant cities built on rivers frozen so solid that oxen could be roasted on the ice.

At his right shoulder rode Jochi, the eldest son of the khan himself. Barely seventeen, he was yet a warrior who might inherit the nation and perhaps command even Tsubodai in war. Jochi wore a similar set of greased leather and iron, as well as the saddle packs and weapons all the warriors carried. Tsubodai knew without asking that Jochi would have his ration of dried blood and milk, needing only water to make a nourishing broth. The land did not forgive those who took survival lightly, and both men had learned the lessons of winter.

Jochi sensed the scrutiny and his dark eyes flickered up, always guarded. He had spent more time with the young general than he ever had with his father, but old habits were hard to break. It was difficult for him to trust, though his respect for Tsubodai knew no limit. The general of the Young Wolves had a feel for war, though he denied it. Tsubodai believed in scouts, training, tactics, and archery above all else, but the men who followed him saw only that he won, no matter what the odds. As others could fashion a sword or a saddle, Tsubodai fashioned armies, and Jochi knew he was privileged to learn at his side. He wondered if his brother Chagatai had fared as well in the east. It was easy to daydream as he rode the hills, imagining his brothers and father struck dumb at the sight of how Jochi had grown and become strong.

"What is the most important item in your packs?" Tsubodai said suddenly.

Jochi raised his eyes to the brooding sky for an instant. Tsubodai delighted in testing him.

"Meat, General. Without meat, I cannot fight."

"Not your bow?" Tsubodai said. "Without a bow, what are you?"

"Nothing, General, but without meat, I am too weak to use the bow."

Tsubodai grunted at hearing his own words repeated. "When the meat is all gone, how long can you live off blood and milk?"

"Sixteen days at most, with three remounts to share the wounds." Jochi did not have to think. He had been drilled in the answers ever since he and Tsubodai had ridden with ten thousand men from the shadow of the Chin emperor's city.

"How far could you travel in such a time?" Tsubodai said.

Jochi shrugged. "Sixteen hundred miles with fresh remounts. Half again as far if I slept and ate in the saddle."

Tsubodai saw that the young man was hardly concentrating, and his eyes glinted as he changed tack.

"What is wrong with the ridge ahead?" he snapped.

Jochi raised his head, startled. "I . . ."

"Quickly! Men are looking to you for a decision. Lives wait on your word."

Jochi swallowed, but in Tsubodai he had learned from a master.

"The sun is behind us, so we will be visible for miles as we reach the crest." Tsubodai began to nod, but Jochi went on. "The ground is dusty. If we cross the high point of the ridge at any speed, we will raise a cloud into the air."

"That is good, Jochi," Tsubodai said. As he spoke, he dug in his heels and rode hard at the crest ahead. As Jochi had predicted, the hundred riders released a mist of reddish grit that billowed above their heads. Someone would surely see and report their position.

Tsubodai did not pause as he reached the ridge. Digging in his heels, he sent his mare over, the rear legs skittering on loose stones. Jochi matched him and then took a sharp breath of dust that made him cough into his hand. Tsubodai had come to a halt fifty paces beyond the ridge, where the broken ground began to dip to the valley. Without orders, his men formed a wide double rank around him, like a bow drawn on the ground. They were long familiar with the firebrand of a general who had been placed over them.

Tsubodai stared into the distance, frowning. The surrounding hills enclosed a flat plain through which a river ran, swollen with spring rain. Along its banks, a slow-moving column trotted, bright with flags and banners. In other circumstances, it would have been a sight to take the breath, and even as his stomach clenched, Jochi felt a touch of admiration. Ten, perhaps eleven thousand Russian knights rode together, house colors in gold and red streaming back over their heads. Almost as many followed them in a baggage train of carts and remounts, women, boys, and servants. The sun chose that moment to break through the dark clouds in a great beam that lit the valley. The knights shone.

Their horses were massive, shaggy animals, almost twice the weight of the Mongol ponies. Even the men who rode them were a strange breed to Jochi's eyes. They sat like they were made of stone, solid and heavy in metal cloth from their cheeks to their knees. Only their blue eyes and hands were unprotected. The armored knights had come prepared for battle, carrying long spears like lances, but tipped in steel. They rode with the weapons upright, the butts held in leather cups close behind the stirrups. Jochi could see axes and swords hanging down from waist belts, and every man rode with a leaf-shaped shield hooked to his saddle. The pennants streamed back over their heads and they looked very fine in the bands of gold and shadow.

"They must see us," Jochi murmured, glancing at the plume of dust above his head.

The general heard him speak and turned in the saddle. "They are not men of the plains, Jochi. They are half blind over such a distance. Are you afraid? They are so large, these knights. I would be afraid."

For an instant, Jochi glowered. From his father, it would have been mockery. Yet Tsubodai spoke with a light in his eyes. The general was still in his twenties, young to command so many. Tsubodai was not afraid, though. Jochi knew the general cared nothing for the massive warhorses or the men who rode them. Instead, he placed his faith in the speed and arrows of his Young Wolves.

The jagun was made up of ten arbans, each commanded by an officer. By Tsubodai's order, only those ten men wore heavy armor. The rest had only leather tunics under padded deels. Jochi knew Genghis preferred the heavy charge to the light, but Tsubodai's men seemed to survive. They could hit and gallop faster than the ponderous Russian warriors, and there was no fear in their ranks. Like Tsubodai, they looked hungrily down the slope at the column and waited to be seen.

"You know your father sent a rider to bring me home?" Tsubodai said.

Jochi nodded. "All the men know."

"I had hoped to go further north than this, but I am your father's man. He speaks and I obey, do you understand?"

Jochi stared at the young general, forgetting for a moment the knights who rode in the valley below.

"Of course," he said, his face showing nothing.

Tsubodai glanced back at him, amused. "I hope you do, Jochi. He is a man to follow, your father. I wonder how he will respond when he sees how well you have grown."

For a moment, anger twisted Jochi's face before he smoothed his features and took a deep breath. Tsubodai had been more like a father than his own in many ways, but he did not forget the man's true loyalty. At an order from Genghis, Tsubodai would kill him. As he looked at the young general, he thought there would be some regret, but not enough to hold the blow.

"He will need loyal men, Tsubodai," Jochi said. "My father would not call us back to build or rest. He will have found some new land to tear to pieces. Like the wolf, he is always hungry, even to the point of bursting his own stomach."

Tsubodai frowned to hear the khan described in such a way. In three years, he had seen no affection when Jochi spoke of his father, though sometimes there was a wistfulness that showed less and less as the seasons passed. Genghis had sent away a boy, but a man would return to him, Tsubodai had made certain of that. For all his bitterness, Jochi was a cool head in battle and the men looked on him with pride. He would do.

"I have another question for you, Jochi," Tsubodai said.

Jochi smiled for an instant. "You always have, General," he replied.

"We have drawn these iron knights after us for hundreds of miles, exhausting their horses. We have captured their scouts and put them to the question, though I do not know of this 'Jerusalem' they seek, or who this 'white Christ' is." Tsubodai shrugged. "Perhaps I will meet him one day over the length of my sword, but the world is large and I am but one man."

As he spoke, he watched the armored knights and the trailing baggage lines behind them, waiting to be seen.

"My question, Jochi, is this. These knights are nothing to me. Your father has called me back and I could ride now, while the ponies are fat with summer grass. Why then are we here, waiting for the challenge?"

Jochi's eyes were cold as he replied.

"My father would say it is what we do, that there is no better way for a man to spend his years than at war with enemies. He might also say you enjoy it, General, and that is all the reason you need."

Tsubodai's gaze did not waver.

"Perhaps he would say that, but you hide behind his words. Why are we here, Jochi? We do not want their big horses, even for meat. Why will I risk the lives of warriors to smash the column you see?"

Jochi shrugged irritably. "If it is not that, I do not know."

"For you, Jochi," Tsubodai said seriously. "When you return to your father, you will have seen all forms of battle, in all seasons. You and I have captured towns and raided cities, ridden desert and forests so thick we could hardly cut our way through. Genghis will find no weakness in you." Tsubodai smiled briefly at Jochi's stony expression. "I will be proud when men say you learned your skill under Tsubodai the Valiant."

Jochi had to grin at hearing the nickname from Tsubodai himself. There were no secrets in the camps.

"There it is," Tsubodai muttered, pointing to a distant messenger racing to the head of the Russian column. "We have an enemy who leads from the front, a very brave man."

Jochi could imagine the sudden dismay among the knights as they looked into the bowl of hills and saw the Mongol warriors.

Tsubodai grunted softly as an entire rank peeled off the column and began trotting up the slopes, the long spears ready. He showed his teeth as the gap began to narrow. They were charging uphill, in their arrogance. He longed to teach them their error.

"Do you have your paitze, Jochi? Show it to me."

Jochi reached behind him to where his bow holder was strapped to the saddle. He lifted a flap in the stiff leather and pulled out a plaque of solid gold, stamped with a wolf's head in profile. At twenty ounces, it was heavy, but small enough for him to grip in his hand.

Tsubodai ignored the men rising doggedly up the hill to face the eldest son of Genghis.

"You have that and the right to command a thousand by my hand, Jochi. Those who command a jagun have one of mere silver, like this." Tsubodai held up a larger block of the whitish metal. "The difference is that the silver paitze is given to a man elected by the officers of each arban below him."

"I know this," Jochi said.

Tsubodai glanced back at the knights laboring closer. "The officers of this jagun have asked to have you lead them, Jochi. I had no part in it." He held out the silver paitze and Jochi took it joyfully, passing back the plaque of gold.

Tsubodai was solemn and deliberately formal, but his eyes were bright. "When you return to your father, Jochi, you will have known all ranks and positions." The general gestured, cutting the air with his hand. "On the right, the left, and the center." He looked over the heads of the straining knights cantering up the hill, seeing a flicker of movement on a crag in the distance. Tsubodai nodded sharply.

"It is time. You know what you have to do, Jochi. Command is yours." Without another word, Tsubodai clapped the younger man on the shoulder and rode back over the ridge, leaving the jagun of riders in the care of one suddenly nervous leader.

Jochi could feel the combined stares of the hundred men on his back as he struggled to hide his pleasure. Each arban of ten elected one man to lead them, then those men elected one of their number to lead the hundred in war. To be so chosen was an honor. A voice in his mind whispered that they only honored his father, but he crushed it, refusing to doubt. He had earned the right and confidence swelled in him.

"Bow lines!" Jochi called. He gripped his reins tightly to hide his tension as the men formed a wider line so that every bow could bear. Jochi glanced over his shoulder, but Tsubodai had truly gone, leaving him alone. The men still watched and he forced the cold face, knowing they would remember his calm. As they raised their bows, he held up a clenched fist, waiting while his heart thumped painfully in his chest.

At four hundred paces, Jochi dropped his arm and the first flight of arrows whipped into the air. It was too far and those that reached the knights splintered on their shields, now held high and forward, so that almost the entire man was protected. The long shields showed their purpose as a second flight struck the ranks without a single rider going down.

The powerful horses were not fast, but still the gap closed and Jochi only watched. At two hundred paces, he raised his fist once more and another hundred arrows waited on creaking strings. At such a distance, he did not know if the knights' armor would save them. Nothing ever had.

"Shoot like you have never owned a bow," he shouted. The men around him grinned and the arrows snapped out. Jochi winced instinctively at shafts that went clear over the enemy heads, as if loosed by panicking fools. Only a few struck, and of those, still fewer brought a horse or man down. They could hear the thunder of the charge now and saw the front ranks begin to lower their spears in anticipation.

Facing them, Jochi smothered his fear in a sudden bloom of rage. He wanted nothing more than to draw his sword and kick his mount down the slope at the enemy. Shaking with frustration, he gave a different order.

"Retreat over the ridge," Jochi shouted. He wrenched at his reins and his horse jerked into a run. His jagun shouted incoherently, turning in chaos after their general. Behind him, he heard guttural voices yelling in triumph and acid rose in his throat, though whether it was from fear or anger, he did not know.

PROFESSOR SUSPENDED FOR HANGING BANKERS REMARK

A university professor who is organising a protest at next week's G20 summit was suspended from his job after warning bankers could be "hanging from lampposts", a spokesman said Friday.

PIC OF THE WEEK Fargo flooding

*

OBAMA INAUGURATION ANNOTATED

ANNOTATED INAUGURAL SPEECH.
Barack Obama’s Inaugural Address


Following is the transcript of President Barack Obama’s Inaugural Address, as transcribed by CQ Transcriptions:

PRESIDENT BARACK Thank you. Thank you.

CROWD: Obama! Obama! Obama! Obama!

My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors.

I thank President Bush for his service to our nation...

(APPLAUSE)

... as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath.

The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.


OUR COLLECTIVE WHAT? FAILURE?? I FAILED HOW?? I FAILED TO MAKE HARD CHOICES??? I WAS SUPPORED TO PREPARE THE NATION FOR A NEW AGE, AND FAILED??

Homes have been lost, jobs shed, businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly, our schools fail too many, and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

OH. AND I FAILED TO MAKE THESE HARD CHOICES, PREFERING TO LOSE JOBS, SHATTER BUSINESSES, LET SCHOOLS FAIL, SQUANDER ENERGY AND STRENGTHEN OUR ADVERSARIES. I FAILED, AND CONTRIBUTED TO THREATS TO OUR PLANET. PARDON ME. I'M NOT USUALLY THIN SKINNED, BUT DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT OUR BADLY WAKENED ECONOMY IS THE CONSEQUENCE OF OUR COLLECTIVE FAILURE. SOME COLLECTIVE FAILURE TO MAKE HARD CHOICES. SOMEHOW,.... WAIT A MINUTE. OH I GEET IT.IT SOUNDS GOOD.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable, but no less profound, is a sapping of confidence across our land; a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, that the next generation must lower its sights.


MY CONFIDENCE ISN'T SAPPED ACROSS OUR LAND. AGAIN WITH YOU TELLING ME HOW I FEEL? I HAVE NO IDEA IF THE NEXT GENERATION MUST LOWER ITS SIGHTS. I HOPE NOT. BUT I DON'T HAVE A CLUE. ITS' ONE THEORY. THAT OUR SIGHTS WERE PERMANENTLY TOO HIGH AFTER WORLD WAR II, AFTER THE GREAT DEPRESSION ENDED AND IT LOOKED LIKE THE AMERICAN DREAM WAS POSSIBLE, A PERMANENTLY PROSPEROUS NATION, WITH A LIGHTER DRUDGERY LOAD FOR ALL. COITENLY ONE THEORY IS THAT SUCH HIGH HOPES ARE SILLY. ALL HOPE AND NO REALITY.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real, they are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this America: They will be met.\


THEY WILL BE MET. SURE HOPE SO. HAVE MY DOUBTS.

(APPLAUSE)

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.


WHAT??? WHEN DID I CHOSE FEAR, CONFLICT AND DISCORD. WAS THAT THE CHOICE WE MADE IN NOVEMBER. FEAR VS HOPE, UNITY OVER DISCORD?? AND UNITY BEAT DISCORD. HOPE BEAT FEAR. ALTHOUGH TO BE HONEST NEARLY FIFTY PERCENT OF US VOTED FOR CONFLICT, DISCORD AND FEAR.



On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas that for far too long have strangled our politics.


SURE. AN END TO FALSE PROMISES AND POLITICAL STRANGULATION. I HAVE HEARD THAT BEFORE. PROCLAIM AN END TO BUSINESS AS USUAL, AND THEN FACE THE FACTS.

WE HAVE COME TO PROCLAIM AN END TO THE PETTY GRIEVANCES AND FALSE PROMISES ETC ETC. YEAH YEAH, SURE KID. AND PIGS CAN FLY. NO REALLY, THEY CAN. IN FACT, A WHOLE FLOCK OF 'EM JUST FLEW OVER.



We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things.


RIGHT. JUST LAST WEEK I SET, NO WAIT A MINUTE. THE TIME HAS COME TODAY, NOT, LIKE FIFTY YEARS AGO. OR DURING THE CIVIL WAR. ABE LINCOLN WAS SO VERY CHILDISH. LUCKY NOW, WE CAN GROW UP FINALLY. NOT LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL OR ARISTOTLE, THOSE CHILDISH LITTLE INFANTILE UN GROWN UP TYKES. PSHAW. NO SIR. TIME TO GROW UP.



The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.



YEAH, I REALLY FEEL SORRY FOR DUTCH PEOPLE, OR THOSE MEAN SPIRITED FRENCH AND ENGLISH GUYS WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY GOD GIVEN PROMISE THAT ALL ARE EQUAL. ALL ARE EQUAL. SURE, BUT SOME ARE EQUALLER THAN OTHERS. DESERVE A CHANCE TO PURSUE THEIR FULL MEASURE OF HAPPINESS. GOD I HATE THOSE RUMANIANS AND CHINESE WHO NEVER GIVE ANYONE A CHANCE TO BE HAPPY. THOSE AWFUL TURKS AND JAPANESE, WHO HAVE NO GRASP OF OUR NOBLE IDEA, PASSED ON FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION.

(APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less.

It has not been the path for the faint-hearted, for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.

OH THAT PATH. THE ONE CHOSEN BY FINS AND TURKS AND ALBANIANS AND ITALIANS. THOSE HORRIBLE CHILDISH PEOPLE WHO PREFER LEISURE OVER WORK AND SEEK ONLY THE PLEASURES OF RICHES AND FAME. NO SIR. WE WORK HARD TO MAKE OUR NATION GREAT. NOBODY ELSE DOES THAT.

Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

BULL FUCKING CRAP ON A STICK. RATHER.... I MEAN, THE NON DOERS THE ONES WHO DON'T MAKE THINGS, THE ONES WHO DON'T TAKE RISKS, THOSE SHITTY PEOPLE, WELL THEY ARE NOT AMERICANS. THEY ARE NOT LIVING A LIFE WORTH LIVING. THE LONG RUGGED PATH TOWARDS PROSPERITY AND FREEDOM... THAT HAS BEEN THE WORK OF THE WONDERFUL RISK TAKERS AND DOERS AND MAKERS OF THINGS. NOT LLIKE THOSE FILTHY LAZY ITALIANS WHO DON'T DO ALL THAT WONDERFUL STUFF TO TREAD THE WEARY WAY UP THE LONG RUGGED PATH TOWARDS PROSPERITY AND FREEDOM. AMERICA, WE DO THAT, NOBODY ELSE DOES. WE ARE SO GREAT.


AND HERE COMES THE REAL BULLSHIT.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life. For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West, endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

FOR US?? BULLSHIT. THE ENDURE THE LASH
AND THE WHIP
AND PLOWED THE HARD EARTH
AND TOILED IN SWEATSHOPS
AND SETTLED THE WEST
AND PACKED UP THEIR FEW WORLDLY POSSESSIONS AND TRAVELED ACR4SSS OCEANS
FOR US

FOR US.


For us, they fought and died in places Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sanh.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life.

A WHOLE FLOCK OF 'EM FLEW OVER THAT TIME. PIGS. FLYING PIGS.

They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

NO THEY DIDN'T.


This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished.

STANDING PAT?? I DIDN'T STAND PAT. I DIDN PROTECT NARROW INTERESTS. I DIDNT PUT OFF UNPLEASANT DECISIONS. WHEN DID I DO THAT. WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. IT DOESN'T MEAN A GODDAMNED THING.

But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed.

Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

(APPLAUSE)


THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done.

The state of our economy calls for action: bold and swift. And we will act not only to create new jobs but to lay a new foundation for growth.

We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together.

We will restore science to its rightful place and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality...

(APPLAUSE)

... and lower its costs.

AND HARNESS THE FLYING PIGS. DON'T FORGET THEM. A RAW SOURCE OF ENERGY.

We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age.

All this we can do. All this we will do.

APPLAUSE SIGN.


Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions, who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short, for they have forgotten what this country has already done, what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose and necessity to courage.

SURE KID. SURE. FREE MEN AND WOMEN. NOT THE SHACKLED MEN AND WOMEN ON FOREIGN SHORES WHO DON'T HAVE OUR CONSTITUTIION, OUR BRAVE ANCESTORS, OUR ENERGY AND INVENTIVENESS AND.. OH FUCK YOU.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them, that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long, no longer apply.


YES THEY DO. THE GROUND HAS NOT SHIFTED BENEATH ANYONE. NO LONGER APPLY. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN. LAST NOVEMBER WHEN WE VOTED AGAINST FEAR AND DISCORD.

The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works, whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.

RIGHT. AND WE DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER. NOBODY DOES.

Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end.


SURE. JUST A SMALL MATTER OF MEASURING WHETHER IT WORKS OR NOT. NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE. GREAT IDEAS FROM A GREAT MIND.

And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account, to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day, because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched.

But this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control. The nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.

THAT;'S A BIG JUMP FROM THE MARKET SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL AND A NATION RULED BY GREEDY PEOPLE WHO FAVOR ONLY THE PROSPEROUS. QUITE A JUMP. THIS SPEECH IS WOBBLING BADLY. INTO FOOLISH LLIES.

The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on the ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

(APPLAUSE)

OR ARE IT?

BUT HERE COMES THE WORST PART. THE CHOICE BETWEEN MY SAFETY AND MY IDEALS?? SAFETY FIRST. I GOT KIDS, PETS, INVESTMENTS AND A VERY STRONG LOVE OF LIFE. DON'T YOU JEOPARDIZE MY LIFE FOR FREEDOM OF SPEECH OR DUE PROCESS. DUE PROCESS SET THE DECAPITATOR O.J. BACK ON THE STREETS.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.

LINCOLN SUSPENDED HABEUS CORPUS IN THE CIVIL WAR. ARGUE ALL YOU WANT. I REJECT IDEALS OVER SAFETY. AND SO WOULD ANY SANE PERSON. MAYBE THERE' S SOME ROOM FOR ARGUMENT. BUT SORRY, YOUR FRIENDS ALL LAUGHED BEHIND YOUR BACK WITH IRONIC AND COMIC DISAPPROVAL WHEN THEY HEARD YOU EXPOUSE IDEALS OVER SAFETY. IT'S LAUGHABLE.

Our founding fathers faced with perils that we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations.

EXPANDED BY THE BLOOD OF GENERATIONS. OR SOMETHING,.

Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake.

SAFETY OR EXPEDIENCE.

APLAUSE.

And so, to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born:

AND MY BROTHER IS IN JAIL FOR POSSESSION, AND I WON'T GO HIS BAIL BECAUSE I AM A NARROW MINDED FUCK...
know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more.

AND READY TO PUT OUR LIVES ON THE LINE FOR CIVIL RIGHTS. WELL, MOST OF US FEEL THAT WAY. ER, DON'T WE?

(APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with the sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.

I AM A MAN OF NO CONVICTIONS.

They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use. Our security emanates from the justness of our cause; the force of our example; the tempering qualities of humility and restraint. AND PUTTING CIVIL RIGHTS BEFORE PERSONAL SAFETY.

We are the keepers of this legacy, guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort, even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We'll begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people and forge a hard- earned peace in Afghanistan.

LEAVE IRAQ TO ITS PEOPLE. THEY CHOSE SADAM HUSSEIN. THAT';S HOW THEY ARE.

With old friends and former foes, we'll work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat and roll back the specter of a warming planet.

We will not apologize for our way of life nor will we waver in its defense.

WHAT WAY OF LIFE. USING THREE QUARTERS OF THE WORLD'S RESOURCES TO COOL OUR HOMES AND HAVE WIDE SCREEN TV'S..

And for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that, "Our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken. You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you."


I COITENLY HOPE SO. BECAUSE JUST MAYBE THOSE GUYS ARE DESPERATE AND CRAZY.

(APPLAUSE)

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness.

YOU AND YOUR HERITAGE. WE AIN'T WEEK LIKE OTHER COUNTRIES. NO SIR. WE ARE STRONG. THANK GOD WE HAVE A HERITAGE OF STRENGTH, NOT WEAKNESS. I FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE COUNTRIES FOUNDED ON WEAKNESS.

We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth.

THAT'S REALLY NOT SO GOOD WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

And because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

HURRAY FOR US.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect.

To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict or blame their society's ills on the West, know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.

NO. YOUR PEOPLE ARE JUST ALL MESSED UP.

To those...

(APPLAUSE)

WOW. A MOMENT OF ZEN.

To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

OR, WAIT, CLING TO POWER THROUGH CORRUPTION, SILENCING DISSENT, WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY. YOU MEAN LIKE THE MAFIA, OR CHINA OR IRAN, OR, OR. THIS PLACE?

(APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds.

NO WE DON'T.

And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders, nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

RELATIVE PLENTY. WHAT DOE S THAT MEAN. AND, NO WE ARE NOT GIVING UP OUR COMFORTS TO SAVE THE WORLD.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages.

WHISPER THROUGH THE AGES. THE DEAD CRY OUT FOR REVENGE. FOR PATRIOTISM. FOR A NEW INFLANGEMENT OF THE THE PERIOUS BOONDANGLES THAT PERSIST TO UNARREST THE FUTURITY OF TODAYS GREATNESS.

We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service: a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves.

OH SHIT. NOT PUBLIC SERVICE. I WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY.

And yet, at this moment, a moment that will define a generation, it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

NO.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies.

RIGHT NO MORE NARROW EVADING OF UNPLEASANT CHOICES. NO MORE EASY NARROW DISLOYAL LAZY SHIT. TIME TO DO FOR YOU COUNTRY, NOT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF OF WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU.

It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break; the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours.

It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

THIS IS THE WORST THING I EVER HEARD.

Our challenges may be new, the instruments with which we meet them may be new, but those values upon which our success depends, honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old.

These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history.

What is demanded then is a return to these truths.

NO MORE BEING DISLOYAL OR UNPATRIOTIC, OR INTOLEERANT, UNFAIR, OR LAZY OR DISHONEST OR COWARDLY. TIME TO RETURN TO HONESTY AND HARD WORK, RETURN. GIVE UP YOU LAZY DISHONEST COWARDLY WAYS.


What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character than giving our all to a difficult task.


we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world, WHAT DUTIES DO I HAVE TO THE WORLD OR MY COUNTRY. AND WHAT DUTIES TO MYSELF HAVE I FAILED TO ADDRESS. A NEW ERA OF RESPONSIBILITY, A RECOGNITION THAT WE HAVE DUTIES TO OURSELVES.

A NEW ERA OF RESPONSIBILITY??? A RECOGNITION THAT WE HAVE DUTIES TO OURSELVES?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DUTIES TO THE NATION HAVE I SHIRKED BEFORE THIS NEW ERA OF RESPONSIBILITY??

JUST TELL ME THAT. GIVE ME ONE GOOD EXAMPLE. WHAT DUTIES DO I HAVE TO THE WORLD OR MY COUNTRY. AND WHAT DUTIES TO MYSELF HAVE I FAILED TO ADDRESS. WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

WHAT. DUTIES TO MYSELF, MY COUNTRY AND THE WORLD.THAT I HAVE SHIRKED UNTIL THIS NEW ERA OF RESPONSIBILITY?? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.

This is the source of our confidence: the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

GOD?! I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD. I DON'T TAKE MY MARCHING ORDERS FROM GOD TO SHAPE AN UNCERTAIN DESTINY. THAT IS NOT THE SOURCE OF OUR CONFIDENCE. YOU JUST WANTED TO SAY HIGH SOUNDING PHRASES, LIKE

THIS IS THE PRICE AND PROMISE OF CITIZENSHIP.

THIS IS THE SOURCE OF OUR CONFIDENCE.

SHAPE AN UNCERTAIN DESTINY.


LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. THIS IS PURE CRAP.


This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed, why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall. And why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

NOT THE BLACK THING. LOOK. I NEVER PARTICIPATED IN NOT SERVING BLACKS AT RESTAURANTS. THAT WAS A SOUTHERN AMERICAN THING. DON'T PIN THAT ON ME. AND WHO CARES IF YOU'RE BLACK. I CARE THAT YOU CAN STAND UP THERE AND LIE.

(APPLAUSE)

So let us mark this day in remembrance of who we are and how far we have traveled.

MUSIC UP...

In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river.

The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood.

At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive, that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet it."

WHILE HALF THE NATION FLED TO CANADA, FIGURING BRITAIN COULDN'T BE THAT BAD. WHO CARES.

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words; with hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come; let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you.

(APPLAUSE)

And God bless the United States of America.

(APPLAUSE)




AND I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE CRAP I JUST SAID. THEY MADE ME DO IT.



AND I'M NOT FUNNY. I'M JUST VERY PISSED OFF AT THIS CRAP.